Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
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