Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
