I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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