Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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