The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
