totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
