I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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