so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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