Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
