This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
