I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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