I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
