Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
