Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Randomize
