after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
