roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
