Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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