Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
no, he came in my armpit
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger