I faked an abortion last night.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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