doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
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Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
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Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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