Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
