The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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