I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
