Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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