Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
