Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
