What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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