She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
