he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
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