Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
