If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
