According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
