theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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