Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
