i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
