Screwed.edu
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
