Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
