i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
