Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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