Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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