WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
