she was so not down for the gang bang
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
