we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
