I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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