it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
