Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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