My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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