My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
