I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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