Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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