I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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