Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
