the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just high enough for therapy.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
