I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
