i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
