Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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