Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
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Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
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I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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