Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
