The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Randomize
