u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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