You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
