Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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